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We'll just call this part, "The Next Bit."  So
before there was any kind of serious talk about Sage having his own
website and back in the first week of August, I was sitting around my
lovely home on a glorious morning, relaxing in my giant Papasan chair
(which I love), eating cheetoes for a late breakfast and watching TV
when my phone starts ringing off the damned hook. Since only a very
limited number of people have the phone number, I knew it was likely
someone I wanted to talk to, so I pick it up with my patented,
"Yell-low!"My hair blew back away from my head from the sheer force of the screaming that flew out of the receiver. I had to really, really listen for several minutes to figure out who it was who was ranting and raging into my ear. Meanwhile, dogs all over the neighborhood started howling and holding their ears while blood seeped out between their little paw fingers. None of my sisters could go THAT supersonic and I finally figured out it was ZOE, Colin's wife. I had not spoken to either of them since that awful wedding weekend and naively, when I did not return Colin's calls, I presumed that the door to that part of my life was finally closed, bolted and cemented over. I finally got her to calm down long enough to figure out that she was upset that Colin was being a little aggressive in controlling her pregnancy and giving her a hard time about how she was conducting herself.. I was stunned, to say the least, not about him micromanaging the pregnancy (big fuckin surprise there - not!), but that she was calling ME to complain about it. She has 8,000 rich, valleygirlfriends, plus an extensive stable of rich parents and step-parents and ex-step-parents, PLUS every single one of those support systems with an "in-law" attached to it. Why bring me into it?? Once I could get a word in after about a hundred aborted attempts, I told her that I really wasn't the person she needed to talk to about this and she was off and running again. It's amazing how long she can talk without breathing. Then she started to cry, a LOT. I told her I was really sorry it wasn't working out, but I wasn't her guy. Then I did the dirty and hung up on a crying pregnant woman. OF COURSE, the phone rang again a few seconds later and I picked it up like an idiot. She was sobbing and blubbering and talking about black people looking at her ??!! and said that I HAD TO COME PICK HER UP. I mean WTF? As it turned out, the crazy bitch got in her damned car and DROVE TO MY TOWN, which is hours and hours from where she lives with Colin. She pulled over to call me since there is no way in hell she could figure out where my house is and some skeeerrry black people were looking at her and she just knew she was going to get carjacked. >:< The devil on one shoulder told me that if she was that worried about getting car jacked, she should put her gearshift next to the letter D and push down on the rectangular pedal by her right foot, then aim the car north. I tried, but I couldn't do it. So I asked her exactly where she was, went out to my rental car (mine was still in the shop) and sat there for a good ten minutes doing that Cameron Frye scene from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." I can just call her back, tell her to get gone, go inside and have a cup of tea. But then she'll keep calling. Then she'll be driving while she's crying and run off the road. Shit. But if I go get her, what then? Take her to Denny's where she'll make a scene? Shit. I went and got her. She looked... like a cartoon character. She's a tiny little thing and her baby, well, is not. I swear, this woman's eyelids were carrying baby. She was still sitting by the road in her car, but she was screaming and waving a nail file at the young man (who is indeed of color) who bags my groceries. He is about 17 and went to her car to knock on the window and see if she needed help since she was hysterically sobbing along side a residential street. I gave him $10 and told him she was off her medication and I'd take care of it. He mentioned her being "whack" and I avowed that yes, she was indeed "whack," but quickly informed him that, no, she was not MY bitch as he incorrectly proposed, she was just a generic bitch. Looking at her with her eyes rolling wildly and her hair all disheveled, mascara pouring down her face like twin rivers, I could tell there would be no Denny's iced tea in my future. She was definitely too freaked out to drive all the way to my house, so I had her get the car as far as the grocery store parking lot, which was a little over a block away, then I poured her into my rental car and started driving. She was so big, the seat belt would not fit around her and this is a girl who weighs less than 50 pounds (or so it seems) when she is not pregnant. She didn't say anything at all as we were driving and neither did I. I guess we were both recovering from and trying to make peace with how the day was going. I pulled into Kurt and Maxine's driveway, knowing fully well they were away on business for a few days (I am the plant waterer and pet feeder). No way was I going to bring that crazy bitch to MY house and let her know where I live. When we got inside, she quietly asked for the bathroom and I pointed the way. She emerged a good 15 minutes later, definitely looking better. It was the first time I'd ever seen her without make up. She'd washed her face clean, brushed her hair and taken off her shoes. She stands to about to the middle of my chest (I'm 6') and for a minute, when she walked out of the bathroom, she looked like a little teen girl, scared to death and carrying around another human strapped to her midsection. I asked her if she was hungry and she said she could eat, so I made her a cheese omelet and some toast. She polished it all off and had some OJ and then was ready to talk. As it turns out, (this is a seriously Reader's Digest Condensed version) I guess Colin had been up her ass since they got married, telling her what to eat, what to wear, what music to listen to and phoning her every 20 minutes or so if they are not together. Her lover got tired of it and started feeling like she wasn't in the club any more, so she left (which is surprising since they were together for a long time before I met them and she as an aggressive little thing). Zoe hadn't seen her in a couple of months. Colin harangued her until she stopped working and she's going insane staying home all day. The more he fusses, the more she wants to eat. She's gained something like 80 pounds and he's up her ass about that too. I really did feel for the girl. She honestly had no clue what she was getting herself into. I asked her why she came to me. What did she think I could do to help? She said she didn't really know. She just thought I would understand. By the time we finished talking, it was about 3pm. She looked exhausted, so I asked her if she would like to put on some more comfortable clothes and take a nap. She said that would be great, so I went into Maxine's clothes and got her a T-shirt and sweats that looked like they'd fit. Maxine is tall and slim and there's no way her regular clothes would fit this little dumpling. She went into the bathroom and changed, then I walked her to the guest bedroom, closed the blinds and pulled back the covers. She sat on the edge of the bed for a while, so I came over and sat with her. She leaned her head over onto my shoulder and I put my arm around her and gave her a squeeze. She said, "I was so awful to you. Why are you being so nice to me?" I wasn't even sure why I was. She definitely didn't deserve it. I told her that it just seemed like she needed someone to be nice to her and I wasn't doing anything but eating some cheetoes and watching TV, so I figured I could work it into my schedule. She laughed at that and her smile made her light up a little more. I smiled back and gave her another little squeeze and then she looked up at me and kissed me! My brain just kind of froze up when her lips hit mine and then I started to feel some tongue looking around, so I pulled her right back and all I could say was, "No.. no, no, no, no." She looked really puzzled and said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh so many things. No, no, no." She said, "But I thought... there were women's things in the bathroom and..." I realized that she thought that since Kurt had taken up his bat to swing around for the other team that I had somehow followed suit. I left it at, "Oh, honey, there are so many things you don't know about me." I gave her a peck on the forehead, tucked her in and closed the door. Even though I was not aroused in the least (I don't think anyone can arouse me any more except me... my libido has gone into hiding in self-defense), I couldn't help but have a little bounce in my step as I bopped back down the hallway. Oh yeah. Sage Still Gots It. It was weird, don't get me wrong. It was really, really, really, really, really weird. But oh yeah, I’m a hottie. After an hour or so of watching TV in the living room, I left her a note saying I'd be right back and went over to my house, fed the cats, got a book or two and then went back. I peeked in and she was still out cold. Around 8pm, I resigned myself to the fact that I was likely going to be staying the night at Kurt and Maxine's. I called the grocery store and got permission to leave the car parked there. I stayed up late that night, thinking and smoking in the quiet of Kurt and Maxine's house. I thought how many, many times I'd been in these walls and how it was like a second home to me. I reflected back on my time with Colin through the filter of the things Zoe had just told me. Actually, it was more like taking filters off. I thought about how her kiss was the closest I'd been to anyone since the wedding trip the end of April. That brief weekend was the only time I've been close to anyone in the (more than a) year since Colin and I split up. Where it not for the striking evidence sleeping soundly in the next room, I would think I dreamed the whole crazy, lost year with Colin. I wondered how different things would be right then if I had wanted to have children when he did. It didn't take me long to decide that it would have been even more of a mess, with me in the middle of the drama going on around the conception of this child. No, I was glad to be out of it and planned to stay out of it. The main thing I had to do was get Zoe packed back into her little Benz and headed off to where ever she intends to go. She has rich parents who can take care of anything she needs if she doesn't want to be with Colin. With that notion foolishly in my head, I dozed off on the couch in Kurt's living room. I woke up to Zoe poking at me, looking anxious and flushed. It was so weird not only to be waking up to her, but to be on a couch not in my house. I oriented to time and place... just after dawn... Kurt's couch. That's when she told me... ...she'd been having strong contractions all through the night. You guys might have seen this coming, but I sure didn't. Big as she was, I figured she had plenty of time to go. I asked her why she didn't tell me SOONER and she told me that she just hoped it would go away, but it didn't and now they were getting close together and she was spotting a bit. Shit. SHIT! I asked her what she wanted to do and she said what she WANTED was her mother. Well, in lieu of that, since she is the one who opted for a road trip when she was this far along, WHAT DID SHE WANT TO DO?? She said it might help to walk around for a while, so I made the bed in the guest room, tidied up and asked her if she wanted to eat. She wasn't hungry, but she was very thirsty. We walked around the neighborhood for about an hour and by the time we got back to Kurt's house, she was leaning on me a good bit as we walked. She was starting to feel a bit shaky, so I told her I thought we should at least go to the hospital so she could get checked out. It didn't take any convincing. I helped her into the car and grabbed her clothes from the guest room (she was still wearing Max's clothes she'd borrowed) and off we went. It was only a few miles to the hospital, but the turns were really bothering her and she was huffing and puffing away in that new baby having language. I asked her if she wanted me to call Colin and she nearly took my head off, so, um, no. She had her purse with her cell phone, so she could call whoever she wanted on her own. We were just turning onto Hospital Road when her water broke and that's when all kinds of shit started happening. She started shaking almost violently and her teeth were chattering and god, I NEVER saw so much fluid come out of a human in my LIFE. The thought flew through my head, "OH thank God this is a rental car and not my Impala!" and it was such a ludicrous, selfish thought that I literally laughed out loud. "WHAT ABOUT THIS DO YOU FIND SO FUCKING FUNNY??" she shrieked like a banshee. She actually BARED HER TEETH AT ME. I made an "eeeccccghhguuuggh" face and she immediately apologized, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, can you HURRY??" I whipped into an emergency room parking slot and was grateful to see that the parking lot was only about half filled. I prayed a lot of the cars were from employees. I asked her if she wanted a wheel chair and she started to cry, so I picked her up (NOT easy to do with an arm in a cast!) and carried her in, leaving a trail of baby water behind us. As soon as we got there, the staff flew into action, getting her into a wheel chair and hurrying her up to Labor and Delivery. Do not pass go, please have your insurance card. I told her I knew she was going to do great and I'd be back later to check on her (Was that not reasonable? Was I missing something?) and she WAILED at me like an air raid siren, "YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME! SAGE you HAVE to!" What?? An ER nurse pushed me from behind and said, "Come on, Dad, let's GO! You're wasting time!" I tried to explain that I was just the taxi driver, but I got caught up in the wake and pushed onto the elevator. I told her I would stay with her while she was checked in, but this really was not my scene. Surely, she'd understand. She squeezed the hand of my good arm until I could no longer feel my fingers. I got her attention and told her she was going to be OK, rubbed her hair a little and told her to keep breathing, whatever that meant. I'd seen it on TV. Between the contractions, she was almost normal, but "between the contractions" was a whole lot shorter than "during the contractions." They didn't bother to put her in an exam room, but had a birthing room waiting. She howled during the transfer from the wheel chair to the bed and I felt a wave of protectiveness wash over me. "Can't she get an epidermal or whatever it is for the pain?" The nurse was already gloved and ready. I was stunned by how calm she was while all this was going on. She said, "It wouldn't do any good if we did. There's a baby's head in my hand." I did a funky dance and said, "Oh God, OH GOD..." not just because the baby was coming, but because I had not even realized in all of the chaos of getting her into the bed that Maxine's sweats were now folded in a rocking chair in the corner of the room with a lacy little pink-stained white thong on them (a woman who is this pregnant wears a THONG??) and I was standing in a room with a woman I can barely stand who was now making extremely primal sounds, was NAKED from the waist down and had another woman's hand inside her AND a baby's head resting in THAT woman's hand! This time yesterday, THE FRICKIN CHEETOES I WOULD BE EATING LATER THAT MORNING WERE STILL UNOPENED! After that, things moved fast and within minutes, there was a baby girl on her belly. "Dad, do you want to cut the cord?" "Um, sure," and I sawed through it with a pair of surgical scissors while baby girl looked around and blinked and got pinker and pinker by the minute. She had Colin's eyes and hairline. This is getting incredibly long, I'm sorry. I'll try to wind it up. So Zoe and baby Cait came "home" the next day. She phoned her parents to let them know what had happened and they flew in, got a rental car to get from the airport to here and then drove her home in her car a couple of days later. I stayed at Max and Kurt's house with them. I am a good friend, so I phoned Kurt to let him know what was going on and because THEY are good friends, they didn't mind at all that I took over their house. That kid has some LUNGS to be so little. Weirdly, she wasn't a huge baby, but wow, Zoe lost a LOT of water weight over just a few days. I went out and bought diapers, a few of those baby t-shirts that snap at the diaper area and sleepers, some bottles (not realizing she was breastfeeding), a couple of pairs of sweats and some t-shirts for Mommy and, once we found out what the parents planned, A CAR SEAT for the trip back. Zoe and Cait mostly slept for the two days they were here after the mad dash to the hospital. She would sleep until Cait stirred, then they would both hunker down in bed to nurse and go back to sleep again. We didn't really talk much as a result. I started to miss my house, so I broke down on the last day and told her the truth and she laughed about it. I was going to move her back, but then her mother called to tell her they were flying down that afternoon, so we stayed put. As it turned out, Kurt and Maxine were also coming home that day and arrived just as everyone was leaving out. I'd already tidied up and washed the sheets and such. Kurt and Max were all goo goo for the baby and entered through the garage as Zoe's parents were loading up the car. Immediately, Kurt wanted to see the baby, so I went into the guest room and brought out the snuggly little bundle for him to hold. He about shit himself when its head fell off and rolled across the floor. HAHAHAHA I should say, when THE HEAD fell off and rolled across the floor. Bwahahwa. Then I took him out to the front where the real baby was nestled into her brand new Sage car seat. After much ooohing and ahhhing and such, they were on their way like it never happened. When they left, Zoe gave me a big hug and the "I can never thank you enough" speech. She still wasn't sure what she was going to do about Colin. Her parents assured her she could do whatever she wanted to do. They seemed very supportive. I only had to deal with them for about 30 minute, which was great. I loved getting back to my own home and my own bed instead of that couch and my own rickety little computer instead of Kurt's megamachine. Weirdest few days of my life. Now you know why the opening page at www.sagesplace.com reads as it does.
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