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Hello My Darlings, Sadly, I am without OLTL spoilers for the moment, but they will be coming soon, as will the spoiler commentaries. I am a tired ol' boy after tomcatting all over the state for the past few days. It all started with an itch of an idea that just would not go away. When I wrote about Zoe and her birth, I felt a little (or a lot) disconnected because it had just happened and I was still a little overwhelmed. It was quite an experience for me considering that my life is fairly sedate and uneventful as a rule. When something DOES happen, two things are assured: one is that I am going to write to you guys about it (which tells you how dull things usually are around here) and when it DOES happen, it's going to pack a wallop. When I wrote my last entry, I got a lot of letters asking me what happened to Zoe and Cait (her baby) and why I had not written a follow-up. The reason was simple: I didn't have one. I tried to call her parents a couple of times (her father left me his card) and my calls were not returned. OK, I figured they either weren't getting the messages (rich people always get their messages) or they want her to be able to get on with her life. I pretty much shrugged it off. I tend not to impose on people if they make it clear they want to be left alone and I appreciate that courtesy in return. But then it started to really bug me, especially when other people seemed surprised that I had not heard from her again. I mean, I did a LOT for that little cow and she just put me in her rear view mirror and drove away. When I found out for sure that the entire family was not getting together for Mom's birthday (first time in our past memorable) on the 31st, I got a little blue. I was OK with not seeing anyone. We're still not really connected after the fall apart a while back, although things are very friendly. I think I was more bummed that I wasn't more upset about it. Regardless, the feelings were tumbling over me and getting all mixed up, so I decided I needed a change of scenery. One thing that you may or may not know about me is that I have a pretty good case of agoraphobia going on. I get quite uncomfortable when I am outside my house and it causes anywhere from mild to extreme symptoms. I'm perfectly happy in my house and if I could order everything to be home delivered, I'd likely never leave. I do better if I limit my outside exposure to my own community, but I still get really antsy when I'm out. I know exactly when it all started. There's no psychological mystery to it or anything. When I was younger, I didn't have a problem at all. I was home schooled from later elementary school on and spent a lot of time at home as a result, but I had no problems going places. When I graduated high school, I took just over a year and toured the world. Not a problem there either. Mom and I used to go to Vegas and travel a good bit together. No problem there. A few years ago, seconds before Mom's health got so challenging, I went out for the night with my friends, came home, collapsed into the bed, got up to the sunshine on my face, birds chirping and mom on the kitchen floor where she'd been since some time the night before. Agh! Since then, I've had a problem going out and although I've worked to overcome it, it really gets me. I was about to come out of my skin the whole time Colin and I were traveling. I was OK when we had a home up in Weed, but he is a really social person and that was an incompatibility that caused us problems a lot of the time. He really loved to have people over until all hours of the night and I'm something of a loner. I rarely have guests and it was the same when Mom was here. For most of my adult life, it has been just me and her and the quiet. We liked a lot of the same TV shows. She had her own interests: sewing, crocheting, reading, writing poetry, doing crossword puzzles and jigsaw puzzles. Sometimes, we kept to ourselves... others, we would drink tea together, laugh, talk about all sorts of things, garden together, watch TV and talk to the screen... before she got sick, it was idyllic. After that, it was like the world turned upside down. After Colin and I broke up, it was good to be back home again and even returning the house to its proper state was therapeutic. I felt like I was restoring myself at the same time. The house became symbolic of putting myself back together again after a few years through the looking glass. The agoraphobia is lingering. I still get very anxious and physically uncomfortable when I'm out for any amount of time. I wish I could say it is getting better, but it just... is. By the end of last week, the discomfort of not knowing what happened to Cait after she left here was quickly outweighing the potential discomfort of being away from my house. I arranged for cat sitting, threw my duffle bag into back of the Impala and took off North. I had my laptop with me and while I was with Kurt, I had a wireless card installed, so I knew I could at least check my email to see if the site collapsed or anything tragic like that since there were 10,000 Starbucks between me and where she was last known to be. I drove myself up to [insert miscellaneous town here and you'll see why later], figuring her parents were a good place to start. It was weird driving up Highway 5 again after so long. Other than the awful weekend of the wedding, I had not been back since I left Colin. I went to her father's office (had the business card, remember) and his front office person told me he was out for the day. A car was parked in his parking place and I got a little pushy with her, but didn't really get anywhere. She was a barracuda and I was pacing myself. Next, I went to their house and her mother just flat out refused to see me. She was in a meeting, I was told, but I chatted with the maid who remembered me from the wedding and had heard about Cait's birth and she told me that Zoe had been spending time with her ex, who was actually living in town. Based on the info I got, I was able to find her ex without too much trouble. By the time I got to where she works, she was just getting ready to leave, so I found her car, which fortunately was the same, and stalked it until she came out. She was actually friendlier than she had been before with me and we walked to a coffee shop to talk. Although she was not back together with Zoe, they'd been in contact and she filled me in a bit. When Zoe got back home, her parents took over and immediately pushed the divorce along with mental cruelty and things like that coming into play. Colin fought back for custody of the baby, declaring Zoe to be mentally unfit. Zoe got an order of protection/restraining order. Colin violated it and was asked to leave the property by the police (they did not arrest him). He did, but then got a court ordered DNA test to guarantee his visitation rights. Zoe agreed to it and the report said that the baby is not Colin's. (?!) Colin then disappeared off the face of the planet and Zoe's father got the divorce rushed through somehow. Her parents got really involved with the baby, insisted on hiring a nanny, micromanaged the wardrobe and picked the pediatrician and picked the finishing school and pretty much drove Zoe crazy, so she ended up moving out and her parents cut her off completely (hence the lack of cooperation with me). She stayed with friends for a while, then got a job and did the single mom thing. By the time we got through that much of the story, it was past dark and I was dragging from the drive, so I got a hotel, had a smoke and fell off the edge of the earth into sleep. I mean I was GONE. As I dropped off to sleep, I figured that at least I knew what happened to her and would head out for home the next morning. I woke up to banging on my hotel door and could barely get my eyes to open. I was surprised to see that it was after 9am. I can't remember the last time I slept that late. For a minute, it crossed my mind that it was Colin at the door, but I when I opened the door on the latch, it was Zoe and Cait! Woohoo! I was still in my robe and boxers, so I made sure I was all tucked and tied (no sense torturing the poor girl) and let them in. She gave me big hugs and I got to check out the podling. What a gorgeous kid! (I do such good work) She offered to make me breakfast at her place and since I only had coffee with her ex the night before (who had told her where I was staying), my belly was growling, so I followed her to her apartment. I have to say, I was a little taken aback. I've always known her as spoiled, rich girl and it was a shock to see her drive up to a really ghetto duplex. She clubbed her steering wheel (I would as well in that part of town), got Cait and in we went. She'd done her best with it, but what a shit hole. It was clean and sparse, but had a roof and walls and heat. She was in really good spirits and chattered away as she made us bacon, scrambled eggs, toast and orange juice. She actually did a really good job, which surprised me because when I knew her before, the girl could not boil water without burning it. She told me a lot of what her ex had already filled me in on and talked about how much she loved being a mom. It was obvious from her interaction with Cait that it was true. She said she no longer has any contact with her parents, which I thought was sad, but understandable. They're pricks. She apologized again and again for how she treated me when Colin and I were together and afterward, at the wedding. She said she was in a really weird place in her life and felt terrible that she'd been the way she was. I told her it was history. The future isn't written yet and now is really all that matters. After I helped her clean up after breakfast, she had to get ready to go to work for her shift at a diner where she waits tables and before that, had to drop Cait at the babysitter's. I told her goodbye, gave Cait a head kiss and went back to the hotel to check out. It was good to know she was doing OK and feel like I had some closure on the situation. Since you know me and know my life, you probably know it didn't end there with me getting on the road and heading home. My life just isn't like that. After I checked out, I figured I'd beat around town for a while and decide to indulge in my favorite pastime that had not been stroked in a while, seeing a movie. I think the last one I took in was Pirates 2. Upon investigation, I learned that it was one of those lame-ass towns that doesn't start movies until the afternoon and the soonest thing showing was "Man of the Year." Since I like Robin Williams OK, I figured I'd kill some time, so I drove around, burning gas, until I could get in. Don't bother. It's pretty bad. I don't often say that about movies, either. I'm quite generous. I think I slept through a good bit of it. I woke up when the lights came up, so maybe it had a spectacular ending that I missed. The first part was funny, but then it started to drag, so I started to sleeeeeep. When I woke up and stretched out the kinks (I don't think I was the only napper in there, not that I was in a crowd), I checked my watch and saw that I was going to have to get on the road soon if I wanted to hit home before midnight or so. Still, I was frickin starvin and didn't feel like eating movie food (or paying the prices). I checked the phone book and found the restaurant where Zoe worked. I figured I could surprise her with another goodbye, plus take care of the hungry problem at the same time. [This is where I had to go back and edit out the name of the town because it isn’t huge and there aren’t many diners in it. Also, this is the point where you realize how one split second decision can change your life. Now back to our story]. Finding the place wasn't hard. It's not a huge town. When I walked in and got a seat, I heard some discord on the other side of the place and didn't think too much about it. I got some water at the table, which reminded me that I had to pee, so I went over to the other side to take care of business and saw that the discord was Zoe getting a righteous ass chewing from this guy who I guess was her boss or her supervisor or something. She looked like she was about to cry and was nodding a lot and kept saying, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." The guy was having nothing of it and just kept railing at her. She didn't see me, so I slipped behind her unnoticed, did my thing and when I came back out, she was STILL getting fussed at. I saw my waitress was kind of hawking my table, so I eased back over and just ordered a coke. A few minutes later, I saw Zoe come around the corner and she looked really surprised to see me and threw on a quick smile. I asked her if she was OK and she said she was, but she had to get back to work. I asked if she was sure and she said, "I have to be, I need this job too much." I drank my coke and got ready to pay for it. I wasn't hungry any more and figured I'd drive through somewhere on the way home. I told her goodbye again, paid and left, while still warring with whether or not to leave a tip on a $2 coke. I finally decided I was a cheap ass if I didn't, so I went back inside to drop a buck on the table and I swear to God, that guy was up her ass again. Without hardly realizing I was doing it, I went over, took her hand and said, "She quits" and starting pulling her out of the restaurant. She looked like I'd just shot her dog and I told her not to worry, just to trust me. He was still ranting after her, saying she'd never get a job in that town again, that he "owned" that town (?!) and just ranting and raging WITH CUSTOMERS IN THE PLACE who acted like it was no big deal. I don't do well with conflicts, but I'd had about enough of this guy. I was still going to let it go until he said, "You'll NEVER be anything in this life if you run away from your problems. Why should I expect different from someone like you? Run off with your little faggot friend." [insert screeching brake sounds here] I felt like Tommy in "Coward of the County" when he "stopped and blocked the door." A million things ran through my mind. First was, "OMG! Do I really look gay? This guy doesn't know me." I mean, I can turn up the flame if I want to, but I don't think I have "the look." I don't MIND the look. I wouldn't mind HAVING the look, I just didn't THINK I had the look and that locked me up for a minute. Most of the time, I figured I look and talk like anyone else without the swish and affectations. To my knowledge, his only experience with me was me coming up, taking her hand and saying, "She quits," then walking away. Next thought was "This guy is smaller than I am. Who's he callin' 'little?'" I hate with little guys try to pull that Tony Montana bullshit on you. I turned around, pulled myself up and started walking toward him and he started backing up. I think Zoe was too scared to move. He was by the cash register and dipped behind the counter (I figured he was going for a jammie or a panic button). I said, "Look, I don't want any trouble with you, but I've got no problem hurting you if you make me." I kept my eyes locked on his, hoping that would keep him from doing anything stupid. I asked Zoe, "How much do you have coming to you for the time you've put in since you last got paid?" She said it was about $100 and then I asked her, "How much do you figure you would have made in tips today if you finished your shift?" She said it would probably be about $15. I told him to get $115 from the register and give it to me. I told her to write him out a receipt on something and she scribbled one on a napkin and handed it to me. I swear, the way this guy was acting, you'd think I had a gun on him or something. All this time, people just went on eating, waitresses and bus people kept moving and working like nothing was going on. It was like we were in a bubble or something. He handed me the money and I handed him the receipt. Movies continued to sail through my head. I was channeling Lawrence Fishburn from "Pulp Fiction." "Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three Fonzies. We're gonna be cool." I thanked him and walked (although I so felt like running) out of the place. The minute I got outside, all of the air went out of my body and I broke out into a raucous sweat and started shaking like a granny. I wasn't even sure if I could drive, but no way was I going to stay there. My hand was so unsteady I couldn't get the key into the ignition, but then I realized I was still holding the money all crumpled up in my hand. I gave it to her and she didn't say anything, but just started straightening it out really meticulously. I got the car started and asked her to remind me of how to get back to her place. She took me through town to get there and I went right into the bathroom and nearly lost my coke. I felt better after I washed down my face with a cool cloth, but my insides were still a mosh pit. I didn't know what I was supposed to do now. I'm sure she didn't either, I just knew I couldn't let her stay there and get screamed at like that. When I came out, she was looking out the window, smoking a cigarette. I told her I'd never seen her smoke in all the time I knew her. She said she'd quit a long time ago, but bummed one off of a guy outside. I asked her if it was good and she said it was. At least there was that. She said, "You know, he was right. This is a small town. I'll never get another job here if he starts talking to people. It's all about who knows who." I thought about what a shitty two months she'd had since I saw her. I thought about the state she'd been in when I went to get her when she came down in August. When I looked at her now, I couldn't even see the person from the wedding. She just looked lost and scared. I'm looking at this and realizing that you have been reading for a long time, so I should probably wind this up so your eyeballs aren't dropping out of your head. There are other things to tell and I could go on for a while here, but I'll trim it town and cut to the chase. Zoe and Cait live with me now. Who knew it would end up this way? She still had a few hours left on the babysitter, so we started packing. It didn't take long because the duplex was furnished (if you could call it that) and she didn't have much. Most of what we took was stuff for Cait. Since it was the end of the month, I went to her landlord and paid up her rent for November and she gave notice. The landlord didn't want to take a check from me (Who could blame him? I mean, he didn't know me from Adam), so I made it to a bank before closing and got a check cashed there and brought him back cash. He was happy as a clam. By the time we got the baby and headed out, it was after dark. You'd better believe I drove through McDonald's and ordered a feast. I was starving absolutely to death. I half expected to hear sirens coming for us on suspicion of robbery or something if that guy from the diner tried to get froggy, but nothing happened at all. There was no driving into the sunset with the top down and her letting her scarf fly free in the wind as we both yelled, "Yahoooooo!!" I settled the two of them into Mom's old room (the one upstairs, not the parlor she used when she was sick). She rested for a day or so and then went job hunting yesterday and landed one right away doing some office manager work. She starts Monday and I will be watching Cait for her. From what I can tell, it's not going to kill me or anything. This is the coolest baby I've ever seen in my life. She sits. She looks around. She cuddles. She sleeps through the night. She makes little mewling sounds when she wants to nurse. I've been practicing giving her a bottle (she does great having been with a babysitter for a month or so, *I* am the one who needs the practice) and we are getting to know each other. All this week she has never once caused me to wake up in the night, which was my biggest concern. As nearly as I can tell, she sleeps through the night. Honestly, I hardly know she's here. Zoe has cooked dinner for me twice and both times, it was really good. She helps out around the house and has been really good company. I have not had one minute of feeling imposed upon in any way. Maxine, of course, came over to get in some baby cuddles. I have still not gotten The Head back from Kurt, so I'm being extra alert. He's showing uncharacteristic patience this time. Maxine has really taken Zoe under her wing and was responsible for helping her get her job. They act like they are soul mates or something. Life is weird, you know? I left Colin primarily because he desperately wanted a baby and I very much did not. Now I am living with what is essentially his baby (I think her father somehow rigged the tests or something because this kid looks SO much like Colin it's undeniable) and the woman who was very recently his wife and, dare it say it out loud? It's going very well. We're taking it a day at a time and I have no idea where the future will lead. But do we ever, really? This time last week, I sure didn't. I thought I did. But I didn't. We have talked about a lot of things, but some important ones have not yet come up. Things like DNA tests and paternity and long term plans. I told her she could stay as long as she wanted to and she thanked me and that was the end of that discussion for now. We sat together and gave out Halloween candy with Cait in a tiny lady bug suit. It was pleasant. Wow. I just while writing that last paragraph had a really weird (and slightly creepy) realization. I started this out writing about Mom. About four hours (literally) ago, I wrote at the top of this column, "She had her own interests: sewing, crocheting, reading, writing poetry, doing crossword puzzles and jigsaw puzzles. Sometimes, we kept to ourselves... others, we would drink tea together, laugh, talk about all sorts of things, garden together, watch TV and talk to the screen..." Zoe has her own interests. She reads. She is an artist (I never knew that about her) and sketches constantly. She does crossword puzzles. Sometimes, we keep to ourselves... other times, we drink tea together, laugh, talk about all sorts of things, watch TV and talk to the screen... I just got a chill. Weird. I wonder how she feels about gardening??? |
