Continuing the display (how do you top a fart joke?) of my endless and yes, I know, downright enviable, sense of class and sophistication, I have titled this piece:

"So Steve, I read what you said in Soap Opera Digest about me being your secret soap crush."

"Yeah, and...?"

"Well, given the fact that we are both romantic leading men who are renown for our sexual prowess of the heterosexual kind on screen, I'm not sure that...Steve..?"

"What?"

"Are you, in fact, touching yourself as I'm talking to you?"

"No."

"Steve."

"OK, maybe a little."

"A little?"

"OK, YES!  God help me, I'm touching myself a lot, are you satisfied?"

"Security!"

"I've come, you know, to pay my last respects and all before you kick the proverbial bucket."

"Come on, Corinthos, you know I'm not going to die.  I'm in Miracle Hospital.  I'll be up and walking in a week."

"You think?  Maybe you didn't notice that Miracle Hospital has you hooked up to an Easy Bake Oven over there, Sparky."

"That's not an Easy Bake Oven, idiot, it's...are you touching yourself?"

"Maybe."

"SECURITY!"

"Don't think that marrying Carly is going to keep you out of prison, Sonny.  I have enough evidence to put you away for..."

"Are you touching yourself, Ric?"

"No."

"What do you think, New Lawyer, is he rolling the tootsie while he's talking about sending me to prison?"

"All evidence suggests that he is, sir."

"That's disgusting, Ric.  Show some class, why don't you."

"Wait a minute.  Are you...?"

"NO!"

"Yes you are."

"OK...maybe."

"You coupla tools."

"OK, on the count of three, ready?  One...two..."

"That's your coat pocket, Sonny."

"...THREE!"

"Some asshole popped my soccer ball."

"Look Mom!  I'm SORAS'd!"

"Do you ever get that 'not so fresh' feeling?"

"No, Sam, I'm a guy."

*stare*

"So we had a choice:  Get SORAS'd or get canned.  Guess which one I chose, Lucky?"

"Now Elizabeth, let's be reasonable about this.  What are you doing courting that drug-addled, dim-witted, whoring sonofabitch of a husband of yours when you have the Quartermaine heir bun baking in your oven?  Now get over to the penthouse and trap Jason into marriage before that whore Sam gets her hooks any further into him.  OK, honey?"

"One of these things is not like the others..."