Showing my endless and yes, I know, downright enviable, sense of class and sophistication, I have titled this piece:

As we all know, the classic "whodunit" story is a favorite in soap opera fare, so I thought we should have one here on Sage's Funny Pages.  Pine Valley has been "ripped" to pieces by a resounding boom and an overwhelming stench.  Knowing fully well the complete incompetency of the PVPD, the citizens did what they always do in such a case; they took both the investigation and the law into their own hands:

"It wasn't me, but I farted once when
I was five, so I think someone is trying
to send me a message with the farting.
I really believe this is about me."

"Just breathe through this, son. I'll
be here to protect you."

"And so since you've been directly or indirectly responsible
for every moment of unhappiness I've had since I first laid
eyes on you, I figured it had to be you who farted."

"Oh come ON, Tad, you know that my
ass is so tight that nothing but dry dust
has come out of it in 15 years."

"And as soon as smelled it, I felt weak and faint and couldn't
walk any more."

"I didn't smell anything, son, probably because my nose
is always so far up Krystal's ass."

"And I was thinking that the only person who could possibly be capable
of stinking up the place that much had to be you, Erica."

"Me???"

"Jeff, I do NOT pass gas!  I had my intestines surgically
altered YEARS ago to give all of my emissions the scent
of Chanel #5!"

"I can't do this, Maggie.  You broke my heart by farting with other
women.  How can I forgive that?"

"Bianca, I had a lapse in judgment.  You KNOW I'd never farted around
other women before.  It was...intoxicating.  I temporarily lost my mind."

"Get out, Maggie, and take your cheating ass with you."

"You'll never fart in this town again."

"I sure hope not."

*I can't believe those fucking statues
totally ratted me out!*

"And then, I swear to God, when it hit up here
around my face, I started to feel my skin melting..."

"I will survive.  I will survive!  Hey, hey..."
*rippppppppppp*

"Oh no!  Seriously, I just tore out a seam in this dress."

"Squeeze his head, Zach.  If he was the one, maybe he'll fart
again and we can see if it's the same one!"

"Back OFF you Nanderthals!  Can't you see?  He's
hurting inside!  He STILL has gas from when he was
a little child, unable to pass gas because his father
told him it was WRONG!"

"Meh, I'm still not convinced."

"Amanda, it was UNNATURAL!  A freak fart!
 It made me lose control!"

"You wanna do it?"

"What are you doing out here in the freezin' cold, son?"

"It's the only place in town where a person can breathe!!"

"Spike!!  It was you??  I'm so proud!"

"I think someone needs a diapie change!  That last
6 inches or so sounded like it was solid!"